haven't been here for a while
having a few drinks on my own
feeling ok on new medication works a fucking charm I must say
its called Lexapro for anyone who wants a darn good anti depressant
I never realized I was so damn depressed
but i feel good kinda slightly stoned good but good
I have no will to restrict i start the day saying i will and that goes out the window guess i should be happy right
an ed is no way to live a life not if you can find an alternative
but I do miss it I'm slightly lost
but still somewhat happy

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

I need to keep focused
I know that
if I lose it now I won't lose ha ha god I'm funny
this must end soon it must
the body can not go on sustaining itself for long under these circumstances
and I've jolted it as much as I can
so why are the scales not moving
I ate over 1600 calories for 4 days
then dropped to below 300 and exercised like a mad woman burning off more than twice that
it has to show
I've done the maths I'm not stupid
.....but maybe my body is

I don't know who to ask I can't go to the doctor its obvious what they'll say about my eating
maybe it will show tomorrow
maybe its muscle???
I don't know
I just don't know

I even suck at my eating disorder
how ironic

For the first time
I feel I don't know how to lose weight
after all these years it's not happening
way to go Molly
it doesn't matter what i do it just doesn't come off

Last week I was so positive I restricted well and burned an average of 700 cals a day
way more than i was eating
did I lose anything
no...no no no
I tried bringing up my cals on the week end from a suggestion someone made
did I lose no no no

I am at a loss I don't know what to do now
I bought herbal laxative tea its sitting on my kitchen counter
I have never used laxatives
I said I would never use laxatives
and now they sit on my counter
I just keep staring at them will I use them or won't I
I think tomorrow i will

I have one thing left to use
upping my protein someone also suggested that
can't hurt although protein has way more calories
but I'll give most things a go at the moment
I think after 5 weeks I deserve to start losing again
116 is just not thin
not at all

so yeh snaps to me
what a fuckin idiot
I'm angry really angry
I did what I knew I would do without thinking
I have eaten four biscuits and half a sandwich
doesn't sound like much
but the cals add up and I feel sick now

why did I do this
I wasn't having a bad day
nothing has happened
I do this my mind fucks my body over


I will remain this fat unhappy cow forever
urrgg I can feel my belly over the top of my pants
thats so gross

I finally feel like I'm in control again
Even though I ate "normally over the week end" I feel ok
probably because I only gained 200 grams/1/2 pound
and I have to say for the first time in a long time I didn't stress it felt ok
well the first part of saturday was hard but by that night it was alright
I almost thought I may try and get better
but I woke up this morning and first thought was minimal calories and work my butt off
so thats what I've done
so far 61 calories and 486 burned at the gym and its 4.00p.m
so its good good good
hoping it shows on the scales tomorrow
only 1.4 kg till next goal weight
I can I will do it

Control comes control goes ahhh life

I've had 385 cals so far
I know it's not much
I've eaten 3 of my childrens special treat biscuits
although as a special special treat Oscar got macdonalds I couldn't talk him into sushi but thats alright he has that a lot but I didn't eat any I had a couple of fries I couldn't resist I love salty things and today my will power is low
I just feel quite lost today I want to give in and eat
but it's not the answer I won't feel better
I'll feel worse
but I don't know how long I can keep up the fight
and it does feel like a fight
where do I go and what can I do
no one would ever suspect me of an eating disorder
I'm too big
I feel better writing this down it's like a form of purging
once it's on the screen it no longer feels so bad
will look at keeping under 900 today 800 if I have no wine
at least it's better than nothing

hello control nice to see you back I've missed you

day 1 235 calories burned 451......lost .400 kg /.90 of pound
day 2 248 calories burned 546......lost .800 kg /1.8 pounds
day 3 543 calories burned 400......lost .200 kg /.44 pounds
day 4 30 calories so far burned 474

My stomach really hurt this morning I don't think it was from the amount I ate because I was careful...maybe from carbs and solids I don't know maybe I'm getting an ulcer.

My husbands birthday is on Saturday boy thats a hard one but I chose the restaurant and I decided on tapas I know the dishes are not very low cal but I'm thinking because it's all small dishes being shared no one will notice me eating or not.
I can always make sure there are lower cal dishes anyway but it's better than having to order entree and mains and share in cake.
Feeling fairly accomplished at the moment almost like I have my control back.Gets hard at times when I have to prepare so many meals for the little ones.
Lets see if I can do this day
:)

day one 235 calories burned 451......lost .90 of pound
day two 248 calories burned 546......lost 1.8 pounds
day three 125 calories so far burned 400

get me through this day and I will love you forever
problem is it's pizza night...I make it so only about 360 calories for half a pizza but still it's more than I would like

what do I do oh the pain maybe I should let myself so that I don't binge tomorrow or should I just continue I don't know I'm screwed

30th June

ate 235 calories
burned 451 calories

lost only .90 of a pound

today so far
ate 45 calories
burned 546

all I can say is DON"T EAT DON"T EAT

I had better lose in the morning god damn it